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the girl who's just your 'friend'
06 July 2009 @ 10:09 pm
I'm going to use this as a excercize (sp?)/keep track of my actions.


So far today I hiked for two hours.



haha.
And my thighs hurt. I'm going to have a hard time trying to get comfortable for sleeping. It always happens after intense workouts.



It was exhilirating.

But I have a headache from the moving around. Augh.


My mom called me fat on the phone again.
Cried for two hours.
Again.



I really miss Matthew.
Although stuff isn't going our way, I still think he's one of the most accepting and non-judgemental people ever.
He loves me for me.
And really, he supports me in whatever I do.
Gosh, I'm so tired.
 
 
Current Mood: tiredpooped.
 
 
the girl who's just your 'friend'
22 June 2009 @ 10:00 pm
Yes I do.


My father is a miserable man who is too scared of his wicked wife and too scared to stand up to her in my defense. But then again, he probably doesn't care about me that much anymore and sees me as a disappointment. He probably also sees my being in Hollywood as a rehab center for me to get my "head on straight" again.
He didn't even TRY to keep me around, knowing that I was a nuisance in the house.


My stepmom's a cunt.
Plain and simple.
Bitch told the rest of my family that I had a boyfriend, and on top of that that I had a tattoo.

But what she doesn't know is that they don't fucking hate me for it.
My grandpa told me so, and I think that was what he was referring to when he told me that people make mistakes but he would never hate me and tell me that he didn't love me for them.


And my brother's the product of her poisonous environment.... he'll be brain dead by age 14.






I honestly don't ever want to set foot inside their house again.
It's not my house anymore.
 
 
Current Mood: aggravatedBetrayed
 
 
the girl who's just your 'friend'
I know many people out there. Many are friends, many are people I’ve met a couple of times and still seem to get along well….

But the baffoon’s I’ve met and tried to talk to, about a year or more after I’ve seen them.

They think they’re hot shit because “oh my band is somewhat successful, and you’re just trying to get in my pants.”

“I have no time to talk to you, you’re not that important.”

“You’re not hipster enough for me… yattayatta”

Not that they have said these things, but I hate people who have that air about them. That snooty, artsy, hipster shit.

I’m artsy, I joke about being hipster, but at least I’m personable.

Oh get the fuck off your high horse, because I don’t want to get into your damn pants.
I have a boyfriend, and he’s all I need thank you.

I just find you to be an interesting human being, and we’ll I’ve met you only 10 times, and I’m bored, no one else is on the computer, so I talk to whomever might be on.

Plus, I like to find out who has a sense of humor.

Ugh.

(This does not include Darren Robinson)
 
 
the girl who's just your 'friend'
19 May 2009 @ 12:59 am
I just had a conversation with Darren Robinson.

















From Phantom Planet.





And he thinks my artwork is amazing.
And I froze with things to say.... but he still responded to questions.
Apparently he hates LA with a passion.
He should move to Phoenix and become my best friend.



I have to stop being creepy.



I don't know what to think right now, all I know is that I will meet Jason and become friends with Darren and Alexander.

JKheoiguenkfasdnl.


I've loved those boys since I was 15. I'm 21.

They're all like 30-35 men. hahahahahahhaha.






OH
MY
GOD.


I wish I could tell my 15 year old self that I talked to Darren.
She'd be a jealous BITCH. :D
 
 
the girl who's just your 'friend'
09 March 2009 @ 06:39 pm
He went back to the valley to see his friends and his mom, pick up some stuff. He'll be back on friday or so.



But when the apartment is empty... I feel like I did a long time ago.



Wow. I can't believe how attached I've gotten with him while he's been living with me.
Almost 3 months.




I rub him. I do.
 
 
 
the girl who's just your 'friend'
24 February 2009 @ 07:23 pm
It's strange and ironic the way things turn out.

I should be researching my topic on the ecstacy of St. Teresa.
But I'm scared right now.



Questions like:
Is there a hypothetical dead end to my situation?
Can there be one relinquished with confidence?



Argentina won't happen for another year.
And in fact, I've got to do a lot of paperwork for this.

But I can't get away with getting an apartment, getting a car, and getting away from the United States as well.
I have to do things one at a time.


Independence comes very hard. Very hard. Especially if you're not privileged with the blessings of a wealthy family.




And things with Matt are amazing.
Although he's a bit sour right now in the shower, I'm confused as to what he's thinking.
My heart was racing, as I got off the phone with my Aunt about some loans, and had to think that he's here with me too. Going through this as well. And even though finding a job is probably one of the hardest goals for him, I have faith in him.
But what point does it have if I'm just going to go back to bullhead.


I'll be 21 with curfews and limitations.
And that my friends is sorrier than being 30 still living with your mom.





I'm scared.
 
 
Current Mood: scaredscared
 
 
the girl who's just your 'friend'
26 January 2009 @ 09:53 am
Something tells me that I'm in for a rollercoaster.










Oh Matthew makes me so happy.
Especially just how expressive and compatible we are to each other.
And how he's so adorable in bed.










aiya.
 
 
the girl who's just your 'friend'
22 January 2009 @ 11:36 pm
That and the fact that my laptop broke so I'm not free to come on and blabber about anything and everything.

sdklfjdklsfjsdl;gmnl;skdjfg.







When is there really a time to say everything?


Matt is OBSESSED with Animal Collective.
Matt is adorable in his beanie.
Matt sings hero by enrique iglesias.
Matt also is grumpy in the morning.
But mattsaklfjskldjasklfn.




"NO I'm NOT!"

is the response.
 
 
the girl who's just your 'friend'
01 January 2009 @ 02:58 pm
I never thought I would hurt one of my friends as much as I did gerald.
But in essence, having him around was not only making me miserable, it was bringing me down. I love the kid to death, don't get me wrong, but it was the timing, the handling of the situation, and the morality of it all that in the end led me to rethink certain issues.


For one, the boy had me on the back burner way too long.
I could've sat around for another 4 months with his "I swear, I'll leave her before the week is over. I can just feel it."
No.
You never felt it.
Really, it was just a saying used to keep me around and interested. But soon enough, that got old.

For two, I'm not sure if a relationship would be the healthiest thing for me. An attachment such as that of gerald's intensity would probably drive me insane. I'm not the type of person to be that attached. If anything, I like my alone time, and I quite like not being smothered with remarks of passion every five minutes or so. His emotional stability is still that of a 16 year old because he's been with a woman who's beaten the motivation out of him by keeping him hostage and not letting him do his own thing.
I can't deal with anyone who doesn't have the motivation to go to school. Or at least live in a stable way. He's never known that, and yes I would've been able to help, but for christ sake I don't live in my own apartment, I live in a dorm.

For three, the boy lies a lot.
I should be searing mad over the fact that twice I asked him, "Have you ever cheated on nicole before?"
"No. Never. This is the first time I've ever done this."
Seriously? Even before gerald ever had any balls to tell me his interest in me, kurtis had said something about him getting with other girls.
I should be mad. But I'm not.



All three reasons, very good reasons.




Plus, matthew's helped me realize that.
All of it.
There's a certain understanding over everything... and in general, I prefer him.
I've never laughed so hard in my life.
I feel comfortable around him.
Unjudged.
He's not clingy, or in a sense, obsessive and creepy.

Plus, it just kind of happened. The right way. No complications. No secrets. No hiding. We just are.
Kurtis and him get along so well, it's quite nice.



He's walking around my apartment wondering what I'm typing about him.

Nothing but smiles from me. :]
 
 
Current Mood: tiredtired
 
 
the girl who's just your 'friend'
22 December 2008 @ 11:30 pm
I've noticed I lack the enthusiasm to be optimistic.

It's quite simple of a philosophy I've come up in my head.
Why have high hopes with the chances of getting let down when you can completely not hope for anything at all and not be let down when the time comes?

If you're already at the bottom, then what disappointments can be done to sever you even more?

I guess that's what you call pessimism. Go me for reinventing the wheel.

So my sister has gotten on her high horse again and decided to take a stab at me for smoking hookah and drinking.
She's the close minded version of me I was when I was 16... but worse and more contradictive. Her escapades with her boyfriend I'm sure have escalated more than just making out, and she utterly defends her image with this devout, almost religious worship, of not touching anything that can be deemed a vice.
Such as cigarettes and alcohol.
And woop-de-doo her big fucking sister is the total opposite of that now.

She reminds me of a little castro, dictating anything she can with her grasping hands. While in the meantime protecting her image to my family with such ferocity it rivals that of a chihuahua and/or rotweiler. Hey, either one has a protective personality.

I wouldn't be writing about this if this didn't have a specific reason.
She's been telling my impressionable younger sisters that I have been doing "bad" things and how it's turning me into a "bad" person.
My little brother is just waiting for a reason to not talk to me, that 9 year old little shit will believe anything my sister says. Just because I'm not there, does not mean I am still not the eldest.
You would think my mother and father would condemn me for these sorts of actions, but they know that I'm really not to be controlled at this point in time.

And throughout all of this I'm contemplating my role in the whole situation and my guard on my freedom.



I realize that I have become obsessed with the idea of freedom.
As a teenager the urge to push for more freedom than I was given was a drive that overpowered any obstacle I had to overcome at the time. I didn't want to go buck wild, although I am thankful that I was not allowed at the parties my friends were at because I'm pretty sure I wouldn't have controlled myself responsibly and as well as I do now in situations. But still, I still feel the needy grasp of my grandparents and the bewildering disappointment stare from my family members other than my father that haunt me from day to day. It's quite a calamity in my head when in all actuality it's just the psychological damage that my family has bestowed on me.
I really haven't pushed myself to the limit here at ASU.
I know what I can and cannot do, but it's the feeling that I still feel entrapped, even at 300 miles from bullhead. I still feel the morals clinging to my bones from the days of brainwashed states of mind in going to catholic churches. Those smelly pews and books written in odd numbers that bothered me from the day I saw them. The tired priest in his utterly irritated stated, and always shaking hands after mass and greeting eveyone with a smile as to say "Fuck you. And you and you. Oh and you, I know who you fucked last night."
Sometimes I thought of him not to be the devil himself, but somewhat related. The man must be corrupt now, hearing every devout catholic's confession from bullhead city, arizona. If anything, I'm glad to say all of my confessions to that man was done in one session. And it consisted of apologizing for putting tobasco sauce in my stepmother's shampoo along with toothpaste in her soap. I was 12 and revenge was my name.

But when it comes to freedom, I never felt free amongst my family. Even now when I am 20 years old they still flip out on me for not calling. This obligation I have seems to bog me down when I yearn for the feeling to call them not out of obligation, but out of habit and want. I do this with my father, and for some reason my mother. Those two are the only two I really call without any urge to censor myself.
There is a sort of peace that I've settled into over this year. I've told my mother more than I had to, and though she has judged me, she still calls to have a bit of girl talk with me more than once a month.
My father asks me about my random parties and if I was safe or not. He even explains to me in confidence about his past escapades and his drug use. It's this openness that attracts me to be closer to them in the end.

When it comes to the old fashioned ways of my grandparents, that is reflected through the eyes of my undercontrolled over zealous sister, I gag at the thought of not carrying a conversation for more than 4 minutes. I can round up everything about school, jobs, and studying all in those 4 minutes and then an awkward silence comes around to haunt the conversation with my grandparents.



I can be close with them.
But they will never know me.

It's black and white like that.


It's saddening to think that my sister and I used to be so close; at one point in time best friends.
But her judgemental being is a rough one, and as openminded as she thinks she is, she's still naive.
Although I don't think she is as naive as she looks or acts. She's been with her boyfriend for three years, and she lies to my father over and over again when he bluntly knows what she's up to.

Oh dear sister, how I hope you know how much you're hurting your own father.


There's a lot of bitter undertones going with this post, but when is there not?




I just don't appreciate my younger siblings growing up without me thinking of me as some immoral character in their lives. Maybe I am, but that doesn't override the things I stand for: get an education and LIVE only for the sake of happiness. And they're still to young to get that, but I'm sure they'll be smart enough to understand that in a few years.




I've been sad this year, but never have I felt so secure of myself. Of who I am, of what I'm doing; never have I ever been so content with the thought of not knowing where my life will lead to and who I will meet.



But I'm excited for it.